i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
