I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
