i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Four minutes until I can fart!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize