i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
