Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
