I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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