my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i love accidental penises.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Randomize