Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Randomize
