He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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