I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize