I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize