One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
