the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I feel like death gave me a hand job
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Randomize
