You smell like a Billy Joel song
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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