My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
i think i scared a bird with my dick
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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