i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
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