U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
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