He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
