Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So apparently I’m into choking now
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
