Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize