there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
