Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
