i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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