I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
