My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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