She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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