Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
