how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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