Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
