Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
