I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
