I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
