Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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