so let's talk penis.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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