The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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