she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
