just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
It's blow job season.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
