i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
two words...techno handjob
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
