mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
