Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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