True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
