Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
