hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
