I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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