the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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