I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
