You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
