mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
