Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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