some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize