come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Randomize
