Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
