if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
