You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is this like a preordered booty call?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
