There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
