Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
