no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
