The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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