Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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